Simple as That
by Letticiae
Summary: There are several fics where Shepard has a meltdown after Thessia. This is mine. Also, a reinterpretation of the statement: "There's no Shepard without Vakarian". FemShep/Garrus. ME3. One shot.


_A/N: __Suilven, thank you for once again organizing our fic exchange and for putting up with us, crazy bunch of impatient monkeys! This is my gift to you. Please, bear in mind that I've never written Garrus to this depth and it's totally out of my comfort zone, but I really did try my best for you. I hope it's good enough._

_____Thanks to Hatsepsut, my dear friend and beta. Even though she never played ME, she gave me great ideas and helped me immensely with this fic._

_Happy Holidays, everyone! Please, don't forget to leave me a review! ;)_

* * *

**Simple as That**

"Spirits, Shepard! What are you doing?"

A droplet of water erupted through the slowly growing cracks on the fish thank where Shepard had punched it with all her strength.

"The fucking fish are dead again, Garrus. Do you know how much I spent in fucking fish? Fucking too much!"

"Hey, I'll get you some more. Calm down."

"Don't. These fucking fish are too fucking expensive and now I broke the fucking fish tank anyway."

"Half the words you're saying are not translating, Shepard."

"I bet."

"This only happens when something is really upsetting you."

"It's the fucking fish tank." She readied another punch and landed it hard against the same spot as previously. The already weakened glass crumbled, shards, water and dead fish splashing all over her, their bed and on the floor.

"What the hell, Shepard?!"

Blood was trickling down her right hand from the cuts caused by the glass and she inspected her wounds with an expression that was equal parts pain, pleasure and relief, an expression Garrus knew too well, but was used to seeing in a completely different setting. It annoyed him that deliberately hurting herself was putting that look on her face.

"Initiating draining procedure. Is everything alright, Commander?" EDI's cool voice chimed in the back.

"Everything is fucking great, EDI. Thank you," Shepard answered.

There was a moment of silence before the AI spoke again. "Was that a joke, Commander?"

"Not exactly, EDI. It was sarcasm," Garrus supplied.

"Leave us alone, EDI," said Shepard.

"Logging you out, Commander, XO Vakarian."

Shepard was barefoot and wearing only her underwear and a black tank top with a small N7 logo on the breast. Her armor and undersuit laid discarded messily on the floor, in a way the old Shepard would find unacceptable. And now it would probably stink forever of fish tank water.

Since the reapers had arrived, she had been on edge. Nothing was ever easy and the war was visibly draining the life out of her. It was just one awful problem on top of the other.

At first it had been almost losing Kaidan on Mars, under her command. He was like a brother to her. They would fight and make up and pick on each other, much like the relationship she had told him she'd had with the twin brother she had lost on Mindoir. Kaidan was the one who had finally filled that hole in her heart, soothed the pain of her loss. When he had almost died on Mars, Shepard had been worried sick. Garrus had even heard from Liara that Shepard had prayed and begged to some deity called Ashes God or something to save Kaidan, while he had lain unconscious on the Normandy's medbay. Praying was something Garrus had never seen Shepard do in all the time he had known her.

Then it had been Mordin's death. Shepard would tease the salarian that he was her second favorite amphibian, losing only to someone called Kermit Deefrog. But Garrus knew it wasn't true, no matter who this Deefrog was. Mordin was Shepard's number one and his death had hit her hard. The only time Garrus had seen her shed a tear had been when she placed Mordin's name on the Memorial wall in the Normandy's mess. And, since then, Garrus had caught her way too many times humming a song the doctor used to sing, a sad smile on her face and a faraway look in her eyes.

Thane's death had elicited a completely different reaction from her and, knowing Thane, he wouldn't have been happy about it. The worst part was that Shepard knew that, too, and she hated herself for not being able to overcome her anger and cope with the drell's death the way he deserved. Garrus had lost count of how many times she had dropped her weapon and got into hand-to-hand combat with husks and Cerberus agents, with a snarl on her face and rage in her eyes, while yelling curse words and treats at an absent Kai Leng.

When Legion had sacrificed himself, Garrus had not expected Shepard would react so strongly, but then he guessed there was already too much grief piled up. Her nightmares had worsened since the geth's death and Garrus would often wake up in the middle of the night and hold her, attempting to comfort her while she trashed and screamed in her sleep, trying in vain to reach out for Legion and then Mordin and Thane and Ashley and sometimes others that she had lost along the way, before Garrus had even known her.

So, of one thing he was sure. "This is not about the fish, is it?" She had been flushing out dead fish of that tank every other day since she had first set foot on the SR2 and it had never bothered her this much. When had she begun to care?

Well, now that he was thinking about it, after the reapers had invaded and everyone had started dying around them, she had slapped a sign on the fish tank that until last night read: _We've been 8 days without casualties in the fish tank_. For her, it was definitely a record, so maybe it could a little about the fish.

"Kai Leng."

It was not about the fish. "He was there?"

"What the fuck have you been doing that you don't know about what happened on Thessia? And if you say you were calibrating something, you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

He was calibrating something, actually. Better play it cool. "Haha. A snarky remark on my habit of calibrating the ship's weapons. How original," he said wryly.

"It never gets old, big guy."

In his opinion, it had gotten old ages ago, but if it helped her feel even a little better, then he was willing to put up with it one more time. "The couch doesn't look so bad after the mess you've made with our bed."

"I'm so sorry, baby," she dropped to her knees, her voice breaking with the threat of tears.

_Baby._ She didn't call him that very often. It usually meant she was having a more emotional moment.

"Hey, Shepard, it's okay." Garrus rushed over to her, not minding the broken glass on the floor. It couldn't hurt him but he knew it would hurt her, so he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the couch.

She tucked her head under his chin and he held her tight against his chest as she cried. That too was something new; Commander Shepard didn't have meltdowns.

"This is not about the bed, is it?"

She shook her head, sucking in a shuddering breath.

When EDI had announced Shepard, Liara and Javik were back from Thessia and that debriefing would be in two hours, Garrus had found it odd. It was the first time Shepard hadn't gone straight from the shuttle to the War Room. Since the war had started, they had had quite a few debriefings with the ground team still splattered in blood and in muddy boots.

"I failed, Garrus. Everyone was counting on me and I failed them. I failed you."

"Don't say that, Shepard. We can work our way out of anything. You know we can. We have."

"Kai Leng bested me. He was faster, smarter. I don't know… he's always one step ahead."

"Why don't you tell me what happened while I take care of your hand? No matter what, we'll figure it out, Shepard."

* * *

While he was C-Sec, all Garrus had bothered learning about human anatomy was what could be useful to either subdue or kill them. Like everything in his life, that too had changed after he had met Shepard.

_It had all started when a shot from a geth armature's siege pulse cannon had fried the Mako's circuitry. While Garrus __was trying__ to fix the problem, Wrex was scouting the area and Shepard was providing them cover. The krogan spotted a group of incoming enemies that included rocket troopers and another armature. The guns on the Mako were offline; they would have to take on the geth on foot._

_Shepard was in a hurry to get out of there and ordered Garrus to keep trying to get the Mako to work, while she and Wrex engaged the hostiles. The enemies were closing in, the armature still wasn't going down. Out of the corner of his eye, Garrus saw Shepard break cover for a bit too long while trying to land a grenade on that perfect spot that would destroy the armature at once. It worked, but not without Shepard getting hit by a rocket that instantly fried her shields. _

_That hadn't been recklessness of her part, it __had been__ a calculated risk. With her shields, she could afford taking a few shots and it was worth it if it meant bringing an armature down. However, when she ducked back into cover, the structure fell apart. She immediately started towards the next piece of rubble large enough to shield her, but got hit in the leg in the way._

"_Vakarian, get her!" Wrex yelled. Not that it was needed. Garrus was already by her side even before the words were out of the krogan's mouth, and dragged her to safety as Wrex finished off the remaining geth. _

_Shepard's wound was bleeding badly. The bullet was still inside. "You need to take it out, Vakarian. Repair the artery with medi-gel – using the syringe, not just smearing it straight from the pack, alright? And then we take care of the entry wound. There is a knife tucked in my boot. You're going to use it to get the bullet out. Steady hands, so you don't damage the artery anymore, do you hear me, big guy? Have the medi-gel ready. You're going to need to apply it the instant the bullet is out." Her tone was urgent and all-business. _

_What the hell? "I can't do this, Shepard. I could make things worse. We have to take you back. I'm requesting pick up."_

_She glanced at her omni-tool. "The Normandy's in orbit. At best, I have 4.1 minutes to live. It's not enough time for them to land." She was speaking through gritted teeth and clutching her thigh with trembling hands, but still managing to sustain her tough façade._ _"You have your orders." _

_He swallowed. She was really going to die there and he was paralyzed, looking with wide eyes at the small wound and the unbelievable amount of blood that was gushing out from it._

"_Are you going to let your Commanding Officer bleed to death in the field, Vakarian?" Her tone had lost its bite. Her breathing was labored, she was sweating and the color was fading from her lips. Still, she had clarity enough to appeal to his sense of duty, which was the best way to get a turian to spring into action – she really was a great commander._

"_I'll do it," Wrex stepped forward. By the look on the krogan's face, he might as well be saying he was going to eat her. Garrus barely knew Wrex and wasn't sure he could be trusted. And his claws were as inappropriate for dealing with a serious wound on a soft, squishy human as Garrus' talons._

_Shepard's eyes were tired, sleepy, but still on Garrus. Her features distorted with… fear? Disappointment? He needed to learn how to read humans better. "You can do this. A sniper rifle is the most fucking delicate weapon there is and I've seen how you take care of yours. I trust you, Vakarian."_

_It had been pleading what he had seen in her face, her final attempt at convincing him. For some reason she wanted him to do it, she trusted him more._

"_Fine. Go ahead, Wrex," she whispered, her hands letting go of her thigh as she started to slip out of consciousness. _

_Before he knew it, Garrus was knelt by her side, knife in hand and barking at Wrex to contact the Normandy and request pick up. He had never served with anyone like Shepard. She, a human, was the best, most capable and brilliant commanding officer he had ever had. If she believed he could do this, it was because he could do it._

_And he did it. He saved her. But it had been too close and he vouched to do better for her. To be worthy of her crew and her command, he had to. Next time she needed him, he wouldn't hesitate. He would be there for her._

Since his first tour under Shepard's command, Garrus had learned a lot about humans. More importantly, he had learned a lot about this single female human. He had learned how to fight at her side, how to touch her and to heal her, how to love her and how to make love to her. He had learned how to be the best he could for her.

* * *

Shepard was watching him as he tended to her cuts. He always looked so serious and intent when seeing to her wounds, so careful and focused, no matter how small they were. She had nothing against doctors, hospitals and medbays. If it were Chakwas in his place, it would take half the time and the result would be twice as good. But, still, she'd rather have Garrus take care of her. It was an act of trust, even more meaningful because she was human and he was turian. For most humans and most turians, their relationship was incomprehensible, unacceptable. For her, it felt natural. It couldn't be anyone else but him.

But when he was done with her hand, she still hadn't brought herself to say a word about Thessia.

Garrus had always been there for her and she had vouched to do the same for him a long time ago. Now she had let him down and she didn't know what that was going to do to them. She was a coward, stalling, afraid to face the consequences of her failure. And a selfish one at that, delaying the conversation just so she could have a few more minutes of comfort in his arms, before disappointing him and driving him away.

It wasn't of any consolation that debriefing would be soon and she would have to look at the faces of the crew that had become her family and tell them all she had failed and didn't know where to go from here.

She swallowed hard as she raised her arm to check her tool for the time, not really wanting to look at it, dreading to find out that no matter how much time she had left until debriefing, it still wouldn't be enough.

Garrus stopped her, gently pushing her arm back down. "It's not time yet, Shepard, and we can postpone it if you're not feeling up to it."

Damn him! He was too good for her. And he deserved better than this, than her cowardice and selfishness. There was no other way, there was no more stalling. She would have to tell him that not only she had failed, but that she had no idea about what to do next.

Taking a deep breath, she started. "Baby…"

As she spoke and told him about Thessia and Kai Leng, he never interrupted. He didn't press her when a pause went on for too long, and didn't force her to meet his eyes when she insisted in dropping her gaze to her lap.

After she was done talking, he quietly guided her to the shower, turning on the water on the coldest setting – the way she preferred it, because it made her feel alive. For a second she thought he might leave her alone in there and she wondered if she would be able to keep on standing without his support. She didn't have to find out though; he undressed and joined her.

Under the running water, he let her lean on his chest and held her until the tears were gone from her eyes. Eventually, he turned off the water, but she wasn't ready to leave his embrace just yet, so he stayed there with her.

Nothing was so reassuring like his even breathing. Nothing, not even the cold water, was as invigorating as feeling and listening to the steady beat of his heart. This time, when he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes, she felt strong enough to meet his gaze. What she found was absolute trust. There wasn't even a flicker of doubt or disappointment in his eyes.

Nothing had changed between them. He didn't think her a failure.

"Don't worry about it, Shepard. When the whole crew is gathered for debriefing, we will come up with something. We always do," he spoke softly, lowering his forehead to rest against hers.

It may sound like a platitude, but it was not. They really always did come up with something. For a moment there, she might have lost faith, but he never had. He still believed in them, in her.

It was enough for her. When the time came, she put on her uniform and, with Garrus by her side, she went down to meet the crew for debriefing. She was sure they would find a way and that she would be the fierce and confident commander they needed her to be.

* * *

Since this mess with the reapers had started, back in 2183, Shepard had learned the hard way that she could still succeed even without Kaidan, Wrex, Tali, Liara, Anderson… But Garrus, he had _always_ been there for her. She had never been forced to find out if she could keep going without him. And she wouldn't have to.

The truth was that there really was no Shepard without Vakarian. There had never been and there never would be.


End file.
